Ichijou Goes Gangster
by xReicheru-chanx
Summary: Ichijou Takuma has always been easily impressionable… but this has gone a few steps too far.


**Author's Notes: I was bored, slightly insane, and was struck by this ridiculous idea. What if Ichijou's manga hero happened to be… well… a gangster? He probably wouldn't actually act like this… but it's a crazy work of fiction controlled by Reicheru's diseased mind. What else would you expect?**

**Warning: I am severely exaggerating poor Takuma's mannerisms and dress to make a stab at humor… don't murder me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Knight… or anything else in this story. Heck, I don't even own a box of Pocky, how am I supposed to afford all **_**THIS**_**? *goes into Pocky withdrawal***

-x-

_Ichijou has always been easily impressionable… but this has gone a few steps too f_ar, Kaname noted, and facepalmed at the Moon Dorm's vice president.

_Our vice-gang-leader is completely off his rocker,_ thought Kain.

Aidou was in an outrage. _THOSE ARE __**MY**__ SHOES!_

The rest of the Night Class was just staring at Ichijou in utter disbelief. Well, except for Shiki and Rima. They were sitting in the corner eating Pocky.

There was a very good reason for this shock… Ichijou had, evidently, gone 'gangster'. He was wearing baggy jeans that were practically falling off, a sideways baseball cap, an enormous white T-shirt that was at least ten sizes too big, a pair of (admittedly awesome) black sunglasses, and about fifty gold chain necklaces.

But the way he spoke was completely over-the-top.

"YO, wassup, mah homies?" he said, leaning backwards and crossing his arms over his chest.

"… what did he just say?" whispered Aidou to Kain. The orange-haired vampire just shrugged, since he had absolutely no idea what was going on. Maybe this was all a dream. _We're not in Kansas anymore,_ he thought.

"FO' SHIZZLE, DAWG, GIMME DAT!" exclaimed Gangsta-Ichijou, and he ran over to the oblivious Shiki and Rima, then seized their box of Pocky. Big mistake.

Shiki glared up at the vice president – a remarkable display of emotion. "Give. That. Back."

Rima frowned, and nibbled on the end of the piece of Pocky she was holding.

"Nuh uhh, mayyyyn, Imma gonna nom on dis fo' DAYZ!" Takuma grinned maliciously, and prodded Rima with his foot. "Common biznatch, we gonna ditch dis lozer, mmkay?"

Rima made an odd expression. Put into words, it would be something along the lines of 'WTF'.

Shiki promptly jumped to his feet and punched Ichijou in the face.

The fake gangster dropped the Pocky, but whipped out a gun from somewhere in his baggy clothes. "DIE, MOTHA F-" but Takuma didn't get the chance to finish his swearword, because none other than Zero Kiryuu burst into the Moon dorm, followed closely by a very confused Yuuki Cross.

"GIVE ME BACK MY GUN, YOU [censored] ," raged the vampire hunter, more terrifying than even the crazy gangster.

_However_, Ichijou, being a crazy gangster at the moment, pointed the gun at Zero. _However_, at that moment, a horde of crazy fangirls stormed into the dorm, snatched Ichijou, and ran off screaming "KYAAAAAAAH!"

Zero picked the Bloody Rose up off the ground, since Takuma had conveniently dropped it while he was being vamp-napped.

"Well. That was anti-climatic…" mused Ruka. She had been looking forward to watching Shiki, Ichijou, and Zero all beat the pudding out of each other. In fact, she had even been planning to shove Aidou into the midst of battle – hoping that he would be reduced to jelly…

Yuuki blinked. "Hahaha… the fangirls didn't go after Zero or Kaname…" she giggled.

Kaname frowned, realizing that his pride as a fangirl-magnet had been marred. Zero just shrugged. He didn't exactly care about things like that.

Suddenly, there was a disturbance from behind a random supply closet door! Seiren, being a ninja, happened to be standing next to it, so she opened the door – and out tumbled Ichijou, tied up and gagged.

"Vice president!" gasped most of the room in shock. Except for Akatsuki, who said "Vice gang leader!"

Seiren the Ninja untied poor Takuma, and he immediately went off into a rant about being 'kidnapped' the night before and 'replaced' with an insane, alternate version of himself.

It made absolutely no sense, but it wasn't meant to make sense in the first place.

-x-

**… that was very, very short. Even though it took me 55 minutes to write.**

**I apologize to everyone who wants to strangle me now, and every Ichijou fan in the world. If it makes you feel better, you guys (or, um, girls) can be some of the people who kidnapped the Anti-Takuma. Yeah, that's what I'm going to call him. **

**My goodness, Spell-Check must hate our poor vice gang leader now…**


End file.
